Gaming Guilt | can i play? no, go to work!

Hi there guys, hours ago i got an interesting topic for blogging, so i decided to write them out right away while i still remember.

sprite taken from Outsmart!

It's about guilty feeling and gaming. Haha i bet you can't guess the relation between them (or not). This is second time i write blog about productivity, previous one is here. It's a bit personal, however, as usual, this might be inspiring for some people with similar/relevant condition, i don't know if it's rare, or it's common feeling that many others feel. But if you ever find that you had experienced it, let me know what do you think and maybe we can share stories! XD

Let's get rockin'.

The title

"Gaming Guilt?" the fuck is that? Actually it's more like "Having-fun Guilt". but gaming is more catchy so yeah It is my self made term, of getting sort of guilty feeling while having fun. What? But HOW and WHY? My inner self said, "because you're not being "productive", you're useless, you're wasting time playing.

How and why i came up with this "guilt" idea

I dont think i have said this, but i am a High-Schooler drop out . I didn't graduate high school, that's my own decision though. (I killed a classmate  nah, i ragequit because i couldn't digest any more knowledge given from school :v)

In our country (or maybe yours too), a minimum of 'accepted working criteria' (uh i couldn't find the right word i guess) is High School Graduate, so naturally, i'll be having hard times looking for FORMAL jobs. I never wanted a formal job though, but parents were worrying what would i become in future, almost every parents do, right?

I have been acknowledged by around family members, schoolmates, or teachers as a "decent" or "talented" artist since my childhood (although i don't think so -_-). I am very lucky to be blessed by their support, (thanks to them i have enough self-esteem) but, they also gave me (implicitly, or indirectly) sort of "responsibility" to be a great, success, famous artist, or at least to get enough money to live happily, someday. So, with my current drawing ability that time, i was able to convince parents to write a confirmation letters to school; let's call that drop out permit, haha.

I remembered one of my homeroom teacher said when i was about to leave: "I believe you will be a successful artist." or something like that. Touched by that i begin to burden myself even more.

I've been living with that responsibility and expectations, and possibly (unconsciously) until now. And as soon as i dropped school, i thought i can play as much as i wanted just like in school days' holiday, but wait... Something felt different. While i was playing games, or do other stuff BUT drawing, i felt guilty. I felt like i am supposed to move faster than anyone else at my age, i grew ambitious, i need to be more "productive" in every way , be smarter, to cover my "High-School Graduate degree" loss.

In past, my mindset was: dropping out is so bad and my future will be gloomy (or locals known it as madesu lol) if i'm not greater than anyone with "safe route". Pfft i was an idiot.

Then i grew traumatic with a moment of having fun and "not working" state, that sounds serious and actually is. I begun to reduce my consumption of entertainments, such as gaming, reading manga, watching TV, hanging out with friends, etc. My "productivity" level is biased, which is like, i am = productive only if i am drawing. I kept on drawing, though. But guess what? My creativity was dying! I didn't feel as productive and inspired. I didn't get good ideas to create stuff even i didn't know what to draw anymore. I felt so blank. It stressed me more than reducing self-entertainment itself. -_-

I wondered why? It's simple, of course i didn't get inspired by locking myself in you-must-be-greater-than-your-friends and don't-play-too-much mindset. As a graphic artist is commonly used in media & entertainment, at least i need to know what is entertainment itself, right? I was dumb. And that was what i realized years later.

So anyone has the same or similar problem? haha.

How i am now, how can i get over it

Back to present time, to be honest, i'm still having that kind of guilty feeling sometimes, like when some friends come to hang out or play with me at weekends, i felt like "Duh, unlike you guys, i have no weekends...".

Formal/ common officer who gets paid monthly has their fixed work time, so they (usually) don't have to worry about anything outside of their work hour. So naturally they can go have fun all they want on weekends. But what about me? If i don't work, i don't get money, if i don't make progress, i am slowing down the projects. I have no free weekends either, why? Because i can have fun the time i wanted on weekdays, (lolol) so having days off at weekends makes me feel so unproductive and often gives me "productivity guilt".

However, i quit thinking that high school graduate is important long time ago. I don't even care about it as i've been using my abilities instead of formality stuff i hate, and i think i'm doing very good at least until now. I might get biased whether i am burdened with others' expectations or this is (being quite ambitious) my true passion, but i don't think that's important anymore, since i know that i am grateful of my condition, and living a fun life now, game developing with people i treasure. Working time is not always fun though i won't lie, but i enjoyed the process of them as well the long term reward, what is? Satisfaction, morale, pride, money for living, etc.

Though, I still get too picky sometimes to just begin playing games. Sometimes i think that i'm a workaholic, but i think im still a lazy person, and big procrastinator (even in gaming).

It's funny that i grew too observant while playing games. I was supposed to forget about working at my have-fun times but i can't. I kept finding game design flaws, observing graphics, audio, technical things like "Oh, wow! So that's how they made it, hmmm..." then i noticed that i was distracted, but i always do that again haha.

How i overcome it? Actually since i noticed that "if i never get entertained (which is crucial part in game development too) i can't entertain others either" i decided to loose myself a bit and let it experience lot of fun i or it wish to produce. And i was right, i get my fresh ideas back and my skills, knowledge developed more quickly, and of course,  i had more fun.

"Fun" is something you can change the trigger anyway. Fun doesn't always mean to play a game, forget about working, eating something nice, hang out, etc. Well, some people said i am a bit masochist, but i can stand working whole day if i am in the mood, and that's FEELS somehow...more fun than playing game.. :| When the "gaming guilt" comes and i need a refreshment, i could have fun by the intention to observe games, however during the play, i usually distracted and have "fun" anyway! XD I called this work while playing, play while working, or play=work. So it seems like the "gaming guilt" can be tricked.

Lately i've been giving myself a day for break and go play a game whole day, and stop to do work too much which usually makes my creativity go dull. But many times, i can't stop to play all day because of game immersion level's being too high, hahahah. My gluttony level is high, so i can have fun with eating something nice too, besides, i can also cook myself nice meal. Note to self: exercise your body and get yourself outside more often to get inspirations.

I noticed that exercising my body regularly will cut off negative energies before it affects my head and behavior, laziness or unnecessary worries, including the "productivity guilt", "gaming guilt", "expectation guilt".

I know that "guilt" is something sounds negative, well...if i can't overcome or remove the root (people expectations, ambitions) i guess i can make use of it as my motivation or reminder as well. :) I won't let the "guilt" steer my life easily! hahah.

Conclusion/ Solution

These are solutions i used on myself, if you find these useful, good for you, if you disagree with these, it's okay, then maybe it's just can't work for all people. ^^

• As an entertainment related professional (or even hobbyist), you need to know how to entertain yourself first.
• You won't be good to lock yourself to work whole time without having fun, don't work too much, get some days off to entertain yourself too!
• 'Generate' fun with different way to fit for your "Guilt".
• Quit think about work, or multitask a work while you're supposed to have fun, or you can change the fun trigger itself to suit your condition.
• "Gaming guilt" can be tricked with 'playing' the gaming intention ;)
• Get yourself out sometimes to get different air and atmosphere, greatly boost creativity.
• Body exercise to burn negative energies/ feelings like worrying too much, envy, guilt, hatred, sloth, disappointment, etc. 
• If you can, convert the "Guilt" into something more motivational and useful.
• Make to-do list/targets for a month, each day with each milestone/achievement target, and please, please, please... make them realistic and doable! This usually can ease your "Guilt", especially when you mark your finished target.

Well that's it, a long but i hope you find these words inspiring, motivating, or at least entertaining! Feel free to put comments below :) Thanks for your time reading folks!

~Laz out!